What You’ve Been Getting Wrong About Rest

You might think that in order to feel rested and refreshed, you need a week at the spa or in a hammock on a white sand –and if you can afford it and take the time, by all means – go! But rest is not a luxury item. It’s not something waiting for you at an exotic destination.

As Jon Kabat Zinn said, ‘wherever you go, there you are.’

So if you can’t rest in your own home - if you can’t rest in your own body – if rest isn’t a part of your daily life – you won’t be able to rest on a white sand beach.

I’ve been teaching meditation and Yoga Nidra for over a decade now, guiding thousands of people one on one and in groups from burn out to balance – by encouraging people to give themselves permission to rest. Over the years, I’ve observed some commonalities between people of all socioeconomic backgrounds, from all over the world – at all different stages in life.

Most people are quietly shouldering an immense burden – they’re burned out – they’re exhausted – feeling overworked and overwhelmed, juggling demanding schedules, and conflicting obligations to work and family – on top of the stress of inevitable major life events. So many people are on an endless quest for balance – but aren’t sure where to start – or if it’s even possible. Life feels unmanageable – and the stress and anxiety of daily life feel like insurmountable, unsolvable, permanent problems.

If any of this sounds familiar to you, there is a different experience of life available to you - I hope you’ll consider this your invitation to choose it.

A life where you learn to listen deeply to your body, and lovingly respond to the messages it sends you. A life where you love yourself so fully that you give yourself what you need, without any guilt or shame - where you become grounded and clear within your own being, so you can make better decisions, access greater creativity, and improve your relationships. One where you feel at home and at ease in your body - and in your life.

This is all possible – and it starts by transforming your relationship to rest – and reclaiming it as a part of your daily life.

But before we can dive into the life-changing delights of rest, we have to make sure we’re on the same page in terms of what rest is – and what rest isn’t. Once you have an awareness of what rest isn’t, you can create space to welcome in a fresh perspective, beginning the process of shifting from burnout to balance by transforming your relationship to rest – and your relationship to yourself.

When you’re well-rested, there is a palpable inner sense of calmness, contentedness, well-being, and ease that creates the conditions for a peaceful life.

Over the years, I’ve met countless people who have self-identified as being ‘bad at resting and relaxing,’ confiding in me that they never really feel relaxed or rested…and that they don’t actually think they know how to rest.

If this sounds like you, I have good news. The reason you never feel relaxed or rested is because the things that your mind tells you are restful and relaxing actually aren’t.

Because most people have confused rest with leisure.

Leisure is how you spend your free time, whereas rest is how you reset and refill your cup - so you have the energy to be deeply present in your life – and so you can fully enjoy your free time – and your work.

If, in your free time, you enjoy watching Netflix, reading books, hiking through the mountains, or having dinner with friends – that’s wonderful! But although these activities might be pleasant and enjoyable – relaxing even – but they aren’t actually truly restful.

When you are feeling burned out, tired, scattered, ungrounded, overwhelmed – or unclear and out of alignment with your life’s path - watching Netflix or spending time with friends simply won’t provide you with what you need to fill your cup.

Because all of these activities demand something from you – your energy, your attention, your cognition. They all require some level of doing. They require you to engage with stimuli – and process information through the senses.

For example, when you go hiking in the mountains, even though you might be walking at a casual pace and feeling a sense of expansiveness and awe, your nervous system is keenly attuned to the unfamiliar surroundings, processing sensory data that’s changing every moment, ensuring you don’t slip and fall, or wander through a grove of poison ivy. As lovely as a hike may be, it’s not inherently restful.

You’re not being in nature. You’re doing in nature.

 When you’re reading a book or watching a movie, you’re visually receiving information, and cognitively engaging to make sense of it, form opinions, and relate the events in the story to your own life. You’re emotionally invested in the characters, maybe even experiencing their emotions in your own body.

Reading books and watching movies are glorious ways to spend our free time - but they’re not rest. When we are hypnotized by an incredible story, our nervous system becomes enmeshed with the story – and we are its mercy – which is not a particularly restful experience. Sometimes when watching a movie, we go into a fight or flight response because of what we’re seeing onscreen.

When you spend time with friends or family – even if you had an amazing time – afterwards, sometimes you might notice that you feel energetically depleted, instead of feeling relaxed and refreshed. If this is something that you experience regularly, know that this is normal – and that you’re not alone. Your social life can be rich and deeply fulfilling – and also exhausting. Just like hiking up a mountain.

Part of the reason socializing can be depleting is because - depending on how empathetic and energetically sensitive you are – sometimes you might pick up on what people are feeling – taking it in and feeling it in your own body, physically or mentally.

It also requires a lot of energy to be deeply present and in the moment with your friend or loved one – and talking for extended periods of time requires a tremendous amount of energy.

So all of this to say – when we mix up rest and leisure, we tether rest to the act of doing  - and rest has nothing to do with doing.

When we rest, we allow ourselves to just be, acknowledging that there’s absolutely nothing we need to do. In fact, perhaps more importantly - there’s nothing we feel compelled to do. That through non-doing – through just being, we will receive exactly what we need.

Resting – just being - is simple – you’re resting when you gently place your hands over your heart, when you sit in stillness and connect to your breath, when you let your eyes fall closed for a few moments between emails, when you curl up in a ball on the couch, or when you lie down and find yourself drifting in between deep relaxation and a dream state, when you hold a child’s pose, or when you lie down on the grass and watch the wind blow through the trees.

Sometimes when you rest, if you’re tired, you might fall asleep… or maybe your awareness fully drops from your thinking mind down into your body - and you find yourself immersed in the effortless experience of just breathing and being.

And here’s something interesting to consider – on the outside, it might look like you’re resting - on the inside you might be churning with anxiety, analyzing the day’s events and making mental lists for tomorrow.. So – it’s important to note that only you know whether you’re resting or not – because rest is an inner experience – a state of being.

At this point, you may be wondering – is meditation rest? And the answer is –it depends. It depends on what’s happening on the inside – if your mind is racing and you’re trying to stay focused, and you’re trying to follow the instructions or you’re trying to stay awake… if you’re trying to do something right - then no. That’s not restful.

I know it’s wild for me to say this – as a meditation teacher – but meditation isn’t necessarily the be-all end-all. Not everyone needs to meditate. A lot of folks just need to rest. So maybe a focus-based meditation practice comes later – once you’re well-rested.

Despite the fact that rest is incredibly simple, it’s not always easy. We are so hardwired to do that the notion of just sitting or lying around and doing nothing seems absurd – and certainly doesn’t seem transformative.

But through the simple exploration of letting go of this incessant need to be doing all the time, through recognizing the importance of rest – and honoring your right to rest, over time, you will experience profound shifts.

But you have to make that conscious choice to deliberately rest – and choose being over doing.

My invitation to you today is to practice resting - create some time and space in your day for rest – and let yourself notice how it feels – and what comes up. Let yourself start reclaiming rest as an essential part of your day – and an essential part of your life.